decoding adult autistic meltdowns

Tag: shutdown

Dissociation as the Sunken Place

A reflective essay in conversation with Jordan Peele’s vision and the bodymind’s survival intelligence

A small child stands in a very dark place. A single dot of light glows ahead, its reflection rippling around the figure in the otherwise erased expanse.

Content note: racism, horror, trauma, child abuse, movie spoilers

The Body Learns Silence

The house I grew up in was static before the storm. The scent of ozone, leaves turned soapy bellies up, green clouds gathering in the east. I measured each sound I made, studied the rhythm of his footsteps, the pace of his breathing. I didn’t dare look at him, and I couldn’t tear my eyes away for an instant, because that’s how long it took for murmured menace to shift murderous. There was no pattern I could trust. Sometimes laughter set him off. Sometimes a single misplaced question. Sometimes nothing at all.

I tried to be good. I was a tuning fork, crafted in the key of danger. The work was impossible, but I kept trying, because the cost of guessing wrong was high. All this daily labor was churning through bodywire, nerve endings touching air.

When I made him angry (and I frequently did) my heartbeat drowned my ears; the room contracted around me. There was nowhere safe to go. He had chased me before, kicked through the bathroom door when I locked it. So I waited.

My vision tunnelled, centering his grievance-distorted face. His voice echoed down my cold marble corridors. Static in my ears, waves of sound lapping on my shores. All light contracted to a single bright dot, the last wink of an old television set before it goes black. And then it went black. I was gone to some silent, dark place, and I was alone, and I was terrified.

Sometimes, my nervous system makes the decision for me. It knows: survival sometimes means leaving your body behind. When my father became angry with me, I survived the impossible expectations of a moment with no right choices by unexisting inside nothing. 

It is the most frightening state I’ve ever been in. It was traumatic dissociation. It was a sunken place. 

Familiar Darkness

Yesterday, I finally watched the 2017 horror film, Get Out. In an early scene, the main character, Chris Washington, is hypnotized and sent to the Sunken Place. His eyes went wide, his chair fell back, and he was falling, panicked, silent, the world shrinking to a distant square of light.

My body recognized that drop into darkness. My hands went cold. The image wasn’t imagined; it felt remembered. My body knew what I was seeing.

Peele captured it with eerie precision: the sensation of being pulled away from yourself, consciousness receding while the body stays pinned in place. 

It was both hair-raising and validating to see someone else’s map of the terrain of disappearance.

Peele’s Original Meaning

On Twitter, Jordan Peele wrote, “The Sunken Place means we’re marginalized. No matter how hard we scream, the system silences us.” He was speaking about Blackness in America, about a history of being consumed and erased, about the body turned into property and then into spectacle, about the ongoing horror of having to perform safety inside danger.

The Sunken Place is a Black creation, carved from centuries of forced silence. It belongs to that lineage, to the lives that carried terror and genius and grief in the same breath. The power of Peele’s image lies in that inheritance: the way he made visible the machinery of white desire, the way he showed how politeness can conceal predation.

This essay isn’t a redefinition; it’s a conversation. Peele built a world where the silenced body speaks through image, where the unspeakable finds form. “There’s lots of different sunken places,” Peele said in a Los Angeles Times roundtable.

I can never know the Black experience. I enter that world as a listener. Still, from all the way over here in my lane, I recognize the dissociation of marginalization. I found my own sunken place. My nervous system knows the frozen language of marginalization that speaks across lots of different experiences and echoes through lots of different sunken places.

The Body’s Language of Survival

When my father gathered his anger, my body calculated: I couldn’t fight a grown man twice my size. Flight had already failed. That left stillness. I never knew the safe thing to do, so I’d do nothing.

My body pulled the plug, dimmed my sight, twisted sounds until they broke away. This wasn’t a metaphor or an act of imagination. The same ancient circuitry that tells a gazelle to drop limp when the fangs close around its neck was pulling my consciousness out of my trapped body. 

The autonomic nervous system runs the show when danger closes in: fight, flight, fawn, freeze, and finally flop: the full-body surrender of dissociation. For me, the fear and stress threshold has always been set low. My autistic senses strip me to the bone. The smell of tension, the pitch of a voice, the flash of movement, too much information, too fast, too loud. When safety collapses, my nervous system swings from high alert straight into shutdown, into blackout.

Dissociation isn’t intentional disconnection. It’s the body’s last, best act of self-care. It’s the autonomic nervous system folding consciousness away from harm until it’s safe to return.

The Architecture of Silence

What Jordan Peele built is a house of silence. Its walls are history; its foundation is the long echo of stolen breath. I don’t mistake my story for that house, but I recognize the architecture of generational trauma. The structure of being seen and not heard or believed, of existing at someone else’s mercy, of finding safety only in stillness? It’s familiar.

Black thinkers and activists mapped this terrain long before I had language for it. They drew the blueprints for how power shapes the body, how silence is manufactured and enforced. The Disability and Autistic movements learned from that cartography. Every framework we have for access and autonomy traces back to Black activists who fought to be viewed as fully human in systems built to deny their humanity.

There are many doors into silent houses. Peele’s door is race and history. Mine is neurology and trauma. The corridors are different, but the walls are built of the same materials: power, fear, and forced stillness.

The Nervous System’s Capacity

Dissociation begins long before the blackout. The body doesn’t leap straight to absence. It falls through stages of overwhelm. First comes sympathetic arousal, the fight-or-flight surge: heart hammering, blood flooding to the limbs, pupils widening, breath turning sharp and shallow. The body is shouting move! even when movement would mean greater danger.

When escape proves impossible, the system has nowhere left to send that energy. Adrenaline keeps firing, cortisol keeps rising, but there’s no outlet. The heart can’t keep sprinting forever, so the ventral vagal brake (the part of the parasympathetic system that normally restores calm after threat) tries to step in. It fails when safety never arrives. The body, still flooded, has to find another way to protect itself.

That’s when the dorsal vagal system seizes control. Blood pressure drops, digestion halts, temperature falls, perception narrows. The body drags itself down into metabolic silence. It’s a physiological form of invisibility. From the outside, it looks like stillness; on the inside, consciousness has pulled back to a distant point of dim awareness.

This is autonomic dysregulation in motion: the pendulum swinging violently from sympathetic overdrive to parasympathetic collapse. When it happens often enough, the thresholds shift. The body learns the shortcut from stress to shutdown. It begins to treat everyday tension as danger. For autistic people, the sensitivity is already heightened. With senses turned on high, noise, scent, light, emotion are each another demand on an already over-aroused system. It doesn’t take much for the switch to flip.

Across identities, the pattern repeats. A child bracing for a parent’s rage. A queer person gauging safety before speaking. A Black driver stopped by police. A disabled worker masking pain to keep a job. The nervous system recognizes threat in different languages, but the choreography is the same: surge, overwhelm, collapse. Awareness slides to the back of the mind while the body performs whatever will keep it alive.

The Sunken Place is more than psychological horror. It’s a mirror of autonomic biology, the moment when survival requires disappearance. Peele’s image gives form to the body’s ancient reflex: the will to live by going still.

Peele showed that experience through the lens of race and history; I recognize it through trauma and neurology. The spaces are not the same, but they rhyme.

Shared Darkness, Divergent Light

I keep trying to understand it: the blackout, the quiet, the way my body could vanish itself. I can diagram the sequence now. The sympathetic surge, the dorsal collapse, the whole autonomic ballet. I can trace the neural circuitry that pulled me under. But when I try to feel it from the inside, language falls away.

The bodymind remembers what language can only circle. Every time I get close, something inside me still flinches away, the same old reflex keeping its secret. Maybe that’s the point. Maybe dissociation was never meant to be understood, only witnessed, mapped from the edges, a coastline you can’t walk without sinking in.

Peele gave that darkness cinematic shape; science gave it names. I stand between them, translating what little I can. The rest remains unspeakable, and maybe that’s where it belongs. Understanding isn’t the opposite of silence. Sometimes understanding is a night-blooming realization that can only grow inside the silence. 


Works Cited

Get Out. Directed by Jordan Peele, performances by Daniel Kaluuya, Allison Williams, Bradley Whitford, and Catherine Keener, Blumhouse Productions, 2017. IMDb, https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5052448/.

Peele, Jordan. “The Sunken Place means we’re marginalized. No matter how hard we scream, the system silences us.” Twitter, 17 Mar. 2017, https://twitter.com/JordanPeele/status/842589407521595393.

Peele, Jordan. Interview by Glenn Whipp. “Directors Roundtable: Greta Gerwig, Guillermo del Toro, Jordan Peele and More on Harassment, Race, and Why Film Schools Need Change.” Los Angeles Times, 29 Nov. 2017, https://www.latimes.com/entertainment/envelope/la-en-mn-directors-roundtable-20171129-story.html.

Autistic Shutdown Alters Brain Function

spanish moss

[image description: You are standing beneath a mighty live oak (Quercus virginiana) in central Florida, looking up at a heavy, gnarled tree branch dripping in Spanish Moss (Tillandsia usneoides). The sun is just hidden behind the branch and its light shines down through the limbs, illuminating the fluffy yet intricate twists of parasitic angiosperm, creating something of a magical, ethereal effect in the process. Photo copyright Sparrow Rose, 2016]

Content note: descriptions of shutdown, meltdown, self-injurious activity, stress, brain function.


By now, pretty much everyone who knows much of anything about autism has heard of meltdowns — episodes of frustration and panic that seriously disrupt the lives of Autistic people, to varying degrees and amounts per person. But shutdowns don’t seem to get talked about as much as meltdowns and I run into people who, despite the blue-illuminated buckets of “autism awareness” out there, were completely unaware of the phenomenon of shutdown.

I had a pretty bad shutdown last week so I thought I ought to write a little bit about them. The people in my day-to-day life were unprepared to deal with a shutdown and that increased everyone’s stress levels. More education about shutdowns can’t hurt and it could help quite a bit.

Shutdowns and meltdowns are more similar than they might appear on the surface. One (somewhat simplistic but workable) way to think of a shutdown is a meltdown turned inward instead of outward, much as some people describe depression as anger turned inward.

My most recent shutdown started off as a meltdown. My brain was going through all its usual short-circuits when some synaptic gap got crossed. Or something. One minute I was out of control, smacking myself in the face, as one does, and the next minute I was on the floor, unable to move. I started to get tunnel vision. My hearing began to get fuzzy. My vision closed and closed like turning off an old tube-driven television, closing down to a tiny dot of light that winked out just as my hearing entirely cut out, leaving me alone in the numbly terrifying darkness.

If you like to get your information from audio and video, you should take ten minutes to go watch Amethyst Schaber’s magnificent discussion of Autistic shutdown on their YouTube channel, “Ask an Autistic.” I’ll wait.

Shutdown is a response to overwhelm. It is a self-protective response — shutting down the circuits before they fry, to use computer/brain analogies — but it is as much a system overload as it is a system failsafe. And too much overwhelm for too long can cause some longer-term shutdown and loss of basic skills. We’re talking everything from forgetting how to tie your shoes to forgetting how to speak. And it can hit at age 14 or age 24 or age 54.

As Mel Baggs explained it: ” Most people have a level to which they are capable of functioning without burnout, a level to which they are capable of functioning for emergency purposes only, and a level to which they simply cannot function. In autistic people in current societies, that first level is much narrower. Simply functioning at a minimally acceptable level to non-autistic people or for survival, can push us into the zone that in a non-autistic person would be reserved for emergencies. Prolonged functioning in emergency mode can result in loss of skills and burnout.”

I my case, it was just a matter of hours before I started coming out of shutdown, much like an ocean creature finally creeping onto a deserted beach after a long swim across the Marianas Trench of shutdown. But I only had one, isolated shutdown. An extended amount of time living on “personal emergency reserves” due to being forced to operate at a higher clock speed than my chips are rated for, combined with a series of shutdowns would have left me pretty burned out. I’ve gone 17 days in shutdown before, unable to speak or properly care for myself. This is why shutdowns must be treated with caution and this is why going to apparent extremes to avoid shutdown is not “lazy,” “spoiled,” “entitled,” or any other judgmental adjective anyone has ever been tempted to drop at an Autistic’s feet. Or heap on an Autistic’s head, for that matter, since it’s often on the floor alongside the feet once shutdown hits.

Miller and Loos wrote about shutdowns and stress, both in a manner accessible to laypeople and in an academic paper. Their observations were based on a case study of an Autistic six-year-old girl who was prone to shutdown under stress. The authors found that shutdown behavior gets labeled as conscious avoidance but is more likely an involuntary physiological process caused by “stress instability,” an inability to regulate the body’s overwhelming response to stressors. The authors hypothesize that shutdown begins with the basolateral amygdala (BLA) in the brain and quickly spirals into a debilitating feedback loop: the BLA is involved in experiencing emotions. When the BLA becomes overstimulated, it can become hyperreactive, leading to extreme emotionality, heightened levels of fear, and social withdrawal.

The BLA can quickly become hyperreactive when exposed for too long to corticotropin releasing factor (CRF), a “stress-mediating neurotransmitter.” In other words, stress gives the BLA a hair trigger and the resulting explosions feed more CRF to the BLA, ramping the overload up in a ratcheting cascade of intense panic that finally flips all the breaker switches, resulting in shutdown. This is probably why my own meltdown tipped over into shutdown: I had been stressed for days with multiple meltdowns and my system just couldn’t handle any more stimulation so it shut off to prevent my brain from frying itself. My brain crawled up inside its own virtual Faraday cage to wait things out.

In the case of “the SD child,” Miller and Loos observed that one shutdown would make her extra vulnerable to more shutdowns during the following three weeks. It takes that long for the BLA to “come back down” from its hyperaroused state. It’s pretty easy to see how quickly things can take a bad turn if the brain is not given time to heal. This is the low-detail version of why I have a medical discharge from the Navy and why I was able to hold a series of minimum-wage jobs before the military but unable to get a job at all afterwards. When I signed up for the Navy, I didn’t understand my neurology. It was a devastating blow to not only fail at boot camp but come out of it so debilitated I couldn’t even keep a roof over my head any more.

This is why I speak so strongly about helping Autistic children to build low-stress environments that nurture rather than damage their neurology. This is why I warn so often against shaming Autistics for not “pushing the envelope” the way you think they ought to instead of the way that protects them from damage. Of course it’s healthy to step out of one’s comfort zone from time to time. What you need to remember is that the entire world is outside of an Autistic’s comfort zone. We live our whole lives outside that zone. Please recognize and honor that. I just can’t say that enough: we are trying and the obstacles can be as massive for us as they are invisible to you.

Treat shutdown as the medical situation it truly is. Help us get away from bright lights and loud noises. Help us find a quiet space to re-regulate our nervous system. And be gentle with us as we recover from a neurological episode, understanding how delicately balanced our brains are after marinating in the biochemicals of stress. We need support, not blame. We need peace and stress-relief, not punishment. And, always, we need love, understanding, and acceptance.

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